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There is Healing in Vulnerability

Imperfect Picture

At first glance you may just see the perfect visual my boy R-1 shot of me in South Vallejo, California. But if you take a more careful look into my eyes and study my demeaner you will begin to notice bits and pieces of the one thousand words he was aiming to capture. I was stressed, depressed and traumatized by the emotions that began to resurface that morning when I caught wind of the attempted kidnapping of a 5th grade student who had to run to safety at Patterson Elementary School after being chased down by a strange man seeking his prey of the day. I was laying on my bed in the crammed studio I resided in, in my dad's backyard when I got the news of the attempted crime. My first instinct was to get on my knees and cry out to God. I was weeping and begging Him not to let my adverse childhood experiences go in vain. I didn't want to continue living my life as if I had no purpose when I knew wholeheartedly that I was supposed to be the voice for missing and exploited children. Unlike many people, God made my purpose in life clear as day in 09' at the age of 16. It was such a life altering moment I could not deny God's call on my life. I had finally realized why I was still alive after a long dark season of wanting to be dead.

For many years I have allowed myself to be somewhat of an open book to my community, the people across this nation and even some parts of the globe only allowing them to see the chapters of my life which I was willing to share. I was not yet ready to expose the parts of me that were not healed however, I was willing to share my tragic childhood experience of being kidnapped, raped and escape at the age of 8. I did not want to talk about the blackout drunkenness', drug abuse, the promiscuity or episodes of rage that came in the years that followed the kidnapping. I didn't want to expose my insecurities, in fact I portrayed a perfect picture with a beautiful smile and all the while years of so much pain, loneliness, rejection, oppression, fear and agony had been building up. By the grace of God I am finally ready to share with you the countless times I woke up dehydrated and hungover staring myself in the mirror just plainly tired of looking back at the person I was sick of becoming. I was tired of cutting myself short over and over and over again especially after already getting a taste of and seeing that our Father in Heaven is good. God saved me, but it was as if I let the enemy swiftly sweep me off my feet as I quickly and easily fell back into temptation keeping me longer then I wanted to stay...

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